It’s Friday, Friday, Friday!! And Melissa Shepherd has graced our blog with a picture book manuscript up for critique. She says she does have some illustrator notes, but she’s mostly interested in gut reactions to the text.
Thanks for sharing, Melissa!
Rainy Day Diner
Clapping Thunder
Tapping Base
Rolling Under
Making Face
Scribbling Rainclouds
Lightning Flash
Ripping Paper
Silver Crash
People Staring
Loud Applause
Getting Daring
Shooting Straws
Chocolate Bubbles
Apple Sauce
Dad’s in Trouble
Mama’s Cross
Fishy Fingers
Tater Tots
Chicken Wingers
Mustard Splotz
Tummy Tickles
Vinyl Fart
Ketchup Squiggles
Work of Art
Apple Crunches
Spaghetti Slurps
Napkin Bunches
Cola Burps
Cherry Ice Cream
Lemon Cake
Chocolate Pudding
One to Take
Happy Tummy
Wipe Your Chin
Something’s Funny
Toothless Grin
Waitress Clearing
Grab the Coats
Sunshine Nearing
Streets are Moats
EasternPennPoints 
Melissa- Thanks for sharing!! I was going to ask you for a sentence on the set-up but when I went back and read the title it felt like it was all right there in those 3 words — which is great. It is a really sweet ‘day-in-the-life’ sort of story, and I love the clarity and simplicity of the language. Lots of sensory stuff to hold onto there.
In that third section I get the sense that maybe a lot of the diners hang out during the storm — which you’d see out the window — and that the child/toddler sort of becomes their entertainment as they eat and maybe, also, wait out the storm?
I was a little bit thrown when, right after “Loud Applause, Getting Daring” I got to “Dad’s in trouble, Mama’s cross”. I felt like things were just starting to get fun and then their trouble/crossness sort of put the damper on the story’s energy there, with the next section becoming a sort of accounting of the details of the meal — which felt like a little bit of a letdown after that higher energy just before.
So: my thought of what to work on next would be to work on arc/pace!
Melissa – what wonderfully expressive words and cadence. I agree with what hmmmmm (Anna) said, I’d work on the story arc. You might want to consider taking out or modifying the opening lines, the focus seems to be on art work and they are already being in the diner. Maybe have them running inside to avoid the storm, they are wet and disappointed, bored then the fun begins, seems like dad starts things, child escalates the fun with food, mom gets mad at both until the climax of the story. Thanks for sharing your work 🙂
I hit POST COMMENT too soon. Lindsay is there anyway to go back and edit if you have a quick trigger finger?
Good advice from Hmmm and Chrissa about the story arc. Diners are great family fun places, and your rhymes are fun. As it’s written, I was wondering whether the rainstorm matters to the story. Without the art notes, I also couldn’t picture what the “loud applause” was for as it seemed a series of miscues (ripped paper, silverware dropped) preceded this. Good luck with this!
You have some really fun language and imagery. I like these short, punchy lines and think children will get a kick out of “vinyl farts,” “spaghetti slurps” and “cola burps.”
I agree with the comments above that this would work better if it told more of a story with a beginning, middle and end and more defined story arc. Plus, I want to feel a bit more grounded in the character by knowing their problem/resolution and emotions throughout. Perhaps the energy of the approaching storm could mirror the escalating fun inside. Maybe mama’s cross at the height of the storm and then things settle inside and outside together. Have fun with your diner in the storm!